Monday, January 31, 2011

At The end of The Road

Ok so not everything I am going to write will be full of love and light, and as I am growing and healing I am learning that it is more than ok to write the truth if the truth as they say  sets you free.  Of course as always my truth and your truth may not be for the moment the same yet that too is acceptable as it allows us to grow and learn from each other.  With respect to that, growing and learning from each other I offer up a blog inspired by a new friend.  A stranger who like many others probably knows more about me through my writing than those who have shared my life for many years either by friend ship or through work.   Odd perhaps that so many people out there, all of whom I may never meet in person would know my heart when some that I have worked and played with for years do not. 
I have to stop for a moment and wonder at the magnitude of that statement, the sheer enormity of the impact of those words.  Ask me a couple years ago as to the why of this quirky little truism and I would tell you the fault was mine; simply put I had built massive walls that I had deemed necessary to my survival.  It took a great deal of effort and courage on my part to let go of those walls, to accept two years ago that I was miserable and to let go of my fear of change.  Granted I am a gypsy by nature so change of my surroundings has ever seemed essential to my happiness yet to change myself – that was an experience I was unprepared for.  Yet inspired by a young man and encouraged by the love of close family and friends I took the plunge and dove head first into a world that was not my own.  I swam out of my tiny little pond, down a long river of information and experience and plunged headfirst into an ocean of new reality and possibility.  It was not an easy trip, not by any stretch and is it any wonder now that my arms are tired.   So I have chosen to rest it seems for the moment and go over some of those changes, explore my life before and come to terms with how it lingers to affect my life now. 
Part of this journey was to write my first novel, revealing in it some of the secrets of my own past that I had for so long kept so carefully hidden.  I did so trusting that this is what my spirit wished of me and as it was in my heart to follow the guidance of that inner voice I found that a task that normally I might have feared as holding dire consequences was not quite so scary anymore; it became something I had to do.   Neither fear of losing my job, nor fear of losing the love of friends or family would stop me, I would write my truth and the world as it were could take it or leave it; I simply did not care...
Or so I said...
I wrote it, and I put it out there.  I published it and revelled in the remarkable thing of beauty that was that first book printed and staring up at me from my hands.   I am not sure if it can be described this feeling of seeing your work in print for the first time, especially after denying your talents and desires to write for so many years; the experience was magical.  The next step however was to pass it around, to give it out and trust that it would be read with and open hearts and open minds.  I did that as well but looking back now I think that some of the response I got was more than disappointing.   Not negative reactions to what was in the book, no, not this time.  I was blessed to find that all those who had read the book were supportive and inspired by the writing within.  Many that I had had lifelong friendships with who read the novel did the opposite of shut me out, they embraced me tighter than ever before, holding me close and holding me up.  They said there was nothing in my past actions that need be forgiven, nothing that I need harbour guilt for, nothing that I need feel shame for and please they asked would I not keep writing...
I gave the book to so many people, as gifts; a way of me exposing my me, of putting it out there to all those I held close to my heart, a way of telling them truly and honestly who I was inside.  Working as a waitress at the time and having been in the same place for 4 years I had regular customers, unique individuals who care a great deal about the activities and dreams of those serving them.  I gave the book to them as well and was amazed at the warmth that came back to me out of it.  I had fans for the first time in my life, people bugging me to know when the second book was coming out.  I have learned that I much prefer to think of them as friends and though I have now left the restaurant  due to health issues I have begun to stop by to speak with those customers so they may stay in touch with me if they so desire.  As I said, in this life I much prefer to have friends than fans, fans seem impersonal to me, a cold word used for those who may see your talent but who may never truly know your heart.  Friends on the other hand know your heart and even in it’s impure state they rejoice in the knowing of it; friends means love and acceptance and as I write from a place deep within it only makes sense to me that those who read my words be a very real and important part of my world. 
Where then after all this is the disappointment you must be wondering.   It came in the knowledge that for every two books I handed out to those I had deemed important and to be a big part of my life and my world, only one book got read.  I gave so many away and that was over a year ago, still to this day many of my friends, people I know and love have admitted they never bothered to read it.  No time they would say, or simply that they just weren’t readers.  Fair enough I would respond, when you are ready you will pick it up.  I convinced myself that they would read it when it was the right time for them to read it, when they were in a place where they could either gain insight or understanding from the content within.  I told myself that if they were not reading it now then they simply were not ready to read it, or perhaps that is was not needed by them just yet.
Still I harboured a bit of resentment towards the fact that I had poured out my heart and soul on paper and these people for whatever reason had opted not to pick it up and know through my writing the truth about my spirit that I was now for the first time in my life willing to share.  I’m over that now I think but it did make me wonder, how is it that I could work so closely for so many years (5) with these people and have them never know me as I truly am.  I think it sad that this is all too often how we live our lives, segregated in our work place from our true selves.  Not wanting to offend perhaps or make waves within our place of employ we hide much of who we are from those we see every single day.  If we are not doing the hiding, we may be the ones who are refusing to take a glimpse into a life revealed.  I am not sure the reasons, although imagine they too are varied but I do know that somewhere along the way we have become afraid of knowing people.  Not knowing what they do for a living, not afraid of knowing their hobbies and pastimes, certainly not afraid of knowing their faults (all too frequently we focus on these things) yet to really truly take a glimpse into the heart and soul of who they are, to know their thoughts, feelings and fears; that we try so very hard not to do.
Yet for each new revelation and experience that is shared by others we learn, grow and expand.  We become aware that we are not alone in our imperfections; we come to know that we are all connected, to understand that our actions have a lasting effect of the lives of those around us...
Is this then what we fear; is it that connection and the responsibity that seems to come with it?  For if we accept that we are all one, that we are all in this together then does it not fall to us to be the best us we can be in the interest of those we touch.  Does it not fall to us to care for those we meet in the interest of also caring for us and in this state of knowing does it not fall to us to continue to grow and expand our experience and awareness in the interest of expanding the experience and awareness of our world as a whole?  A daunting responsibility that...
Yet if you choose only to see the enormity of the task before you and not the joy and benefits of undertaking that task then of course the path will seem impossible to walk.  You will drag your feet, kick up a fuss, pout a lot and throw little temper tantrums along the way.  You will shout things like ‘no, no – I won’t go’ and ‘I like it here’ and ‘you can’t make me’.  You are right of course, we can’t, and that’s not our job.  It is simply something you must choose, a way of life and sate of being you must decide to accept as your own.  I will not argue the fact that once you open your eyes and your heart it is very hard to close them, I will not argue the fact that along the way there will be twist and turns you were not expecting, I will not argue that that there will be many challenges you will have to face;  I will in fact tell you straight out that at some point you will get to the point where you will be wishing you had never even heard of the red pill let alone let it slip down your throat.  I will however argue that there are perks to this little trip, that you will as you travel get the opportunity to lighten your load by dumping a whole bunch of your old baggage behind you.  There will be others you will meet along the path, they might encourage you to atop awhile if the bags you are carrying are too heavy and help you go through your luggage to sort out what you need to take and what can be left behind.  There may at times even be those who you are fortunate to meet who will offer to carry those bags for you, some who will seeing your tired and achy feet offer to carry you. 
For those reasons alone I would encourage the embarking on of this journey to anybody I meet but there is something much more important about this trip that you should consider before closing your eyes, shaking your head, digging in your feet and refusing to go.  At the end, heck sometimes it is closer to the beginning but most assuredly at the end you will get the chance to meet the most remarkable of beings.  You will get the opportunity to embrace a long lost friend, somebody you may not have seen in a very long time.  You will glory in the realization of how much you have missed this person and be filled with a warm comforting glow of love and light to be once again reunited.  You will wonder at the instant gratification of reconnecting with this individual and you will drop to your knees, tears streaming from your eyes, weeping uncontrollably and unashamed out of gratitude for being given the opportunity to again come into their glorious presence.  For at the end of the road, after the long walk, the tired achy legs and broken hearts  stands the one person with whom you are destined to be joined with... you will find you...
Jean Victoria Norloch
http://www.feenxrising.ning.com/

No comments:

Post a Comment